Manish had a question for me.
“hey..r u a belly dancer..??”
One day while browsing my Newsfeed I saw a friend talk about his “other” inbox.
“What is that?” I asked.
He explained that next to my Inbox, I too had a folder named “Other”, where all the spam, and messages from non-friends, went. I just can’t keep up with Facebook. Mark should tell me these things!
You know the story of Pandora? According to the Greek, Zeus gave Pandora this beautiful box, telling her not to open it no matter what. But that silly girl went and opened it anyhow, and BOOM! Out came years worth of promotional spam and sexual frustration. And since that day, every woman on Facebook has been cursed with a Box of their own.
A lot of the stuff in Zaina’s Box could be summarized as just “hi…can we be friendz…??”, but others had more substance. Some accounts had been deactivated. Or maybe shut down for spamming too many women?
“Are you a real belly dancer? I thought muslim countries don’t have belly dancers. Im muslim so im just curious.” -Namis
I think Namis is very, very confused.
“hi i need to talk with u soon in job .and i get ur name on fb from friend to u .but answer soon
plz not time .tnx”
Man! I can’t believe I missed that opportunity in job! This sounds TOTALLY legit.
“I like u r puctur n profile.”
Not sure which puctur I had at the time, but I’m glad he liked it.
“Hello!! Lady!!!! Can we become friends???” – Myles
Hello!! Dude!!! No???
“hi, i know u have seen my FR but u r hesitant to accept! no need to worry from dear i just like to be ur close friend in bahrain…u r amazing with special senses!”
Pheew, I was so worried that he may not want to be my close friend. However, my special senses tell me not to speak to him.
A quick query among my friends produced similar results. Bellydancers are online creeper MAGNETS. A take from Shayma‘s Box:
“really u look so sweet, i want to be real friend , send me ur number to talk , i have only 20 days for my vacation” – Kamal
Twenty days of real friendship. Who could refuse?
“hi hwzz u whr u frm??cute pix…”
Would it kill Shibin to use actual words?
“U like to have a feet massage !?”
Don’t we all, Tareq, don’t we all.
Siham‘s Box included one of the most coherent messages ever written by a random dude to a girl he’s never met. You would almost think he typed it with two hands.
“I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you have to be one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen!!! You look like an Arabian Princess in your outfit!
Would it be okay if I were to ask you a kinda silly question? Well, I’m a little nervous to ask but here goes. I was wondering if you might consider the thought of having a servant boy? Like someone to do all your cleaning, running errands, hold your umbrella, stuff like that? I just thought you looked like an Arabian Princess. Like in those movies where the Princess is being carried on one of those fancy carriage things, carried by four male slaves while another slave fans her with those peacock feathers. Know what I mean?” – Kenny
We know exactly what Kenny means. Those fancy carriage things, peacock feather fans, slaves, the usual stuff. I don’t think this poor servant boy from the States even realizes that Siham is a professional dancer, not a girl dressing up as a Disney princess. Kenny seems pretty caught up in his fantasy world.
Here’s a couple of winners from Athena‘s Box.
“mam am body massager special in belly dancer body special in backbone hipe thai legs foot foot finger shoulder hand hand finger mam my massage full reluxe the body she feel come in the world in born new baby mam thailand world massage center she lady call me in thailand i will go thailand in 20011 mam i want a massage job my mobile no 00923******** my am male am 48 year old am 25 year above experince in massage” – Sarfraz
I just have a couple of questions to Mr. Sarfraz. Judging by the number, he’s in Tajikistan. Would mam Athena need to move there, should she decide to hire him? And, who the hell makes plans for the year 20011?
“hioo ..good morning iam ahmed from arab republic of EGYPT.. iam inetrsted in u so much … can u accept adding me in ur frind list …. woww i see u wear belly dancing clothes …. can u really dance egyptian dance i feel woww ….. u know i live in giza 10 minutes from pyramids… can u add me soon….thanks iam waiting ur reply” – Ahmed
I hear you Ahmed! I feel woww when I see Athena’s pictures too!
But one person stood out in the crowd. We’ll call him the Poet. He’d sent me a whole bunch of messages. If you read closely, you can hear the South Asian accent. Here are some of my favorite lines. The entire “poems” are WAY too long to repeat here.
“when i think of you i became fragrant, your scent is resided in my soul”
“there is some magic in your eyes, hide me under the shade of your lashes”
“The world is your ouster, and it ponders on an opportunity to show its gratitude to you for your graceful aura which you sprinkle in every ambiance.”
“the morning blue sky awaits your rainbow smile….so :)”
“The heavens need to bestow in your life a Prince (…) who when would be in your presence would feel champagne falling from the heavens.”
Look, before you get mad jealous, it wasn’t me that caused that leakage of champagne. The Poet was sending the same stuff to just about EVERY bellydancer and their mother. His friend list also included many women who appeared to be, how to put this now, adult entertainers.
I decided to play a little. I wrote a message to the Poet.
“Wow, you write such captivating poems. You truly are a man of eloquence and creativity. But I’m a little sad since you have sent the same poems to many other dancers…now would you write something just for me? Looking forward.” I stopped short of calling him the Rumi of our generation. I’m not that mean.
Here’s a sample of what I inspired in him. The whole thing is much, much longer.
“your style is a killer Zaina
how can one not sacrifice for you?
your body is a spark”
“my body feels a fire
your face such a heart-tempter”
“Your gaze of of sensuality bedazzled the town folk of Madrid
Let the ladies backstage be envious of your dance”
I could only muster a one word in response.
“Don’t you live in the Madrid?”
“Never been to Madrid in my life.”
Must be hard to keep track of all the bellydancers in the world.
The Poet went on to ask where it was that I lived, and if I liked what he’d written for me. I didn’t respond. Soon another poem followed, something about tears of love and waiting for the message of my homecoming. Well. I’m not going to Spain anytime soon, if that’s what he meant.
However, it’s not all about us girls. Guys can make champagne fall from the heavens too. Here’s the proof from Luna‘s Box.
“Hi luna I am Saudi gay arab man, i am big fan of your dancing. You know what mean to be gay in Saudi Arabia, it very difficult for me.” – Abdullah
She ignored him. He wrote back later:
“Luna you know I am big fan, you can trust me. I want give you rent for to spend night with your musician. Please you can help me with this.”
NOW we’ve heard it all. I don’t dare imagine how Luna’s Egyptian band would react if they knew some dude was fantasizing about them. The poor guys would probably be traumatized for life.
Let’s crack open Amar‘s Box. The plot thickens.
“hi Amar, iam from Saudi Arabia but iam gay and I love to wear girly even I look very manly
anyway as you know in Saudi Arabia its difficult for people to accept me as who iam. can we be plz friends” – Abdullah
I know I know, it’s hard out there for an online perv, in Saudi or anywhere. But why is a gay guy contacting WOMEN? Something is not adding up here.
“Sherlock Holmes was an idiot and Robert Watt was a fool.One was a detective,the other invented radar.But neither of them ever discovered you.I’m a genius!so can i be ur friend?” – Ahmed
I feel woww.